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February 23rd, 2007

01:48 pm: mr. Man,

Pigeon in your eye you dirty little fuck. Is it sad that i want to jump in front of a moving van and let my spine crack and fall out of my back like a string of pearls braking around some homely womans faded white neck?

February 6th, 2007

06:43 pm: i smoke now. kinda fun, but my head hurts and is light

February 2nd, 2007

03:06 pm: back again
I havent wirtten in years.

You know when a pigeons feathers sparkle in the sun, well maybe im the only one who really notices cause everyone hates pigeons , well anyways i think thats the most wonderful thing in the world.

I have changed so much

I am on my own now

Alone and working to much

Guess what?? im loose, too lose for my own good... i use to dream so many dreams... My dreams now are so hot.

I ahve my art show tonight

I hope i find him

I hope he loves me so

I wish i sparkled like a pigeon, but i dont , im to muddy

Current Mood: anxiousanxious

September 5th, 2005

03:56 pm: I feel like im in a strangers kitchen , i dont know where things go , im putting things in the wrong cubbord and the wrongs draws. Im lost , i cant sort through my memories and im falling apart

September 4th, 2005

07:20 pm: just sitting here all that comes up in my mind is how or what im going to be in 10 years if i will look back upon this day and rememeber how i felt or what i did. Should i make each day memorable? should i make it so i remember everything?. cause the days seem to go by fast , they seem to grow together and never become one.

August 24th, 2005

07:28 pm: mi recuerdos'
so i have relized that how you are brought up and what goes on in your childhood, events, memories, feelings they all effect how you grow up.They effect how you view the world. What happens in your past stays with you. And no matter what even if you try to forget it and god nows i have tried,it will always still be with me. Not so much that i think about it everyday. i move on. but how i view sex, how i view other men , or how i view freinds and my family those are the effects . what happend in my childhood i will never forget beause it infulences and has warped my mind into something i cant even explain. One person. A touch from a monster . hurt me in so many ways . And when i try to love or be loved it never works out because i fear the monster and little things remind me of him. like someone calling me a baby, or telling me everything is ok. dont cry, or this is a secret. when people say those things, instantly i go back to that moment in my past where everthing i was went away .

I feel shame almost everyday, i feel vilolated and used . But when its all over i feel sick, and the shame all comes back to me like someone hit me in the head with a rock. there are months when i dont think about it at all , but when i feel lonly and lost then those memories submerge me and i am drowing.

I wish i had a normal childhood, i wish i could love and be loved . but i have deal with what i have. and at the end of the day i have to live with it and try to be happy because i cant let things haunt me till im dead from fear , hate, and pain.

Current Mood: drowning

August 14th, 2005

10:23 am: I had dreams last night, so i woke up and wrote this poem

You walked around in underwear
He didn't look twice.
You ate yogurt that tasted like cobbler
You have done this before and you hope this one means something
He sits on your lap when its convenient
He tells you to wait as he smokes his cigarette
That .gives you a cough
You hold it in till he kisses you.
It hurts boy dose it hurt.
You flew kites the night before
The last one was to old for you and his belly was to big
He wanted in , but you wouldn't let him
You know where your Father is , but you don't care
The bus ride is such a bitch bare
Your sick of those bagels and crave a short stack
With honey and strawberries
You do the dishes that smell like salmon
What would Mary think
Of a boy who likes boys
You pray even though she disowns you
He smothers you like your some hot Mexican dish
When you were little you loved them
When you where older you loved them
You are in the middle and you hate them
The man you love is ugly
The man you hate is gorgeous
You settle for the one in the middle
With the silly little smile and the one who likes old movies
just like
You do

August 12th, 2005

09:27 pm: I hate lying to him i think i need to end it , even though i really do like him. I dont know why i lie so much i guess i just thought if i was this somebody this person, he would like me more and he does. I think i fool myself into beliveing i am something i am not, i lie at times to cover up things that have happend, things that shame me.

I hope i get this job save money, then have my solo art show at the gallery then get enough money to move away and start over fresh, from scratch where my past dosnt haunt me and where i dont have to run barefoot where my feet are sore and my eyes are bleeding

Current Mood: irritatedirritated

August 10th, 2005

04:21 pm: I dont understand how someone could say i love you, but they dont care for you. I think before you ever truley love someone you have to care how they are feeling,how they doing and most of all you have to at least worry about them . I hate that we only have one word for love. Did you know Inuits have 30 diffrent ways of saying love, its kinda sick that when i say i love cheese cake and then say i love someone, that it is the same word , there should be a diffrence, a diffrent word to show how we love.

He never loved be even though he said it , he didnt love me because he didnt care

August 4th, 2005

12:15 am: I feel like leaving , saving up all my money and packing up and moving. Maybe i will go to Mexico, Spain, New York or Maine i just need a change. I need to go somewhere, where art invokes me where ever i go , Denver is geting to old for my eyes i have seen everything twice or more. I need a place i havent seen more then twice things that are new ,things that make me smile.

I think i will go to the library tomarrow i need a good book to read to get lost in.

Yo lo adoro alot. Cuándo yo pienso en él. El corazón llena con abejas ocupadas. Usted piensa que él me adora apoyo. El dice él dosis. Pero im no seguro si su verdadero. ¿Piensa usted que él cuida?

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